The Quiet Weight of Self-Blame — And How One CEO Found Relief
The CEO of a successful German family business was running himself ragged. From the outside, he was the image of stability and success: multi-generational legacy, steady growth, and a leadership team that respected him. But behind the scenes, he was close to burning out.
He worked day and night and had trouble switching off. The demands of the business were relentless. The more problems he solved for others, the more problems seemed to pile up. Every conversation led to another fire, another dependency, another pressure point. He was, in his own words, “completely done.”
When we began working together, his coaching sessions were packed with detail—about others. This team member who couldn’t decide. That family member who resisted change. The advisory board that kept pressing. Everything he brought to the table was about external obstacles.
But there was a pattern: the more we dug into his frustration with others, the more it collapsed into air. Resentment would emerge—but dissolve quickly, as if it wasn’t truly about them.
And that’s where we landed on something else entirely: forgiveness. But not forgiveness of his father, brother, or business partner.
Self-forgiveness.
It turned out that part of the reason he was running himself ragged was an unconscious attempt to make up for something. He believed he had made a choice ten years ago that hurt the business. He believed he had disappointed his father. He believed he should have known better.
He had never said these things aloud. But they were driving him.
When we named this, he cried.
From Analysis to Inquiry
At this point in the coaching process, we shifted. This was no longer about strategic delegation or time management. This was about how he related to his own thoughts. How he believed them. And how those thoughts shaped his every move.
That’s when I introduced him to a tool called The Work, developed by Byron Katie.
The Work: A Radical Approach to Self-Inquiry
Byron Katie’s method is deceptively simple. She suggests that it’s not the event that causes our suffering, but the thought we attach to it. And that if we question the thought—instead of just reacting to it—it can lose its power over us.
The Work consists of four questions:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?
Then comes the final step: the Turnaround. You reverse the original thought and explore whether the opposite could be just as true.
We tried it with his most painful thought:
"I failed my father."
Was it true? Could he absolutely know it was true?
The deeper we went, the more he realized he had built a decade of exhaustion around a belief he had never questioned.
Then we explored the turnarounds:
To the opposite: "I didn’t fail my father." — Where could that be true? What were the ways he had shown up? What had he carried quietly?
To the other: "My father failed me." — Not as blame, but as recognition. Where had he been unsupported, unseen, overburdened by unspoken expectations?
To the self: "I failed myself." — Had he abandoned his own truth in order to stay loyal? Had he lived for approval rather than alignment?
Each turnaround opened a different kind of clarity—not to replace the original thought, but to expand what was possible beyond it.
What Changed
He didn’t instantly become relaxed. But something softened. For the first time, he considered that he didn’t have to keep punishing himself through overwork. He started saying no. Started asking for help. And—most importantly—he started treating himself like someone worth caring for.
Self-forgiveness wasn’t a moment. It was a process.
The Work gave him a way back into that process whenever his mind pulled him back into guilt.
Final Thoughts
If you're leading a company, a family, or even just your own inner life—and you find yourself endlessly "solving" but never quite free—ask yourself: What am I still blaming myself for?
And then ask: Is it actually true?
The answers might not come right away. But the questions themselves can start to unbind you.
If you're curious about Byron Katie's method, you can explore more at thework.com or begin with her book Loving What Is. It's not about changing your life overnight. It's about relating to your life—and yourself—in a completely different way.